change of location

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The Journey

This is my first non-poetry entry. It is a journal-like account of my experiences during my journey to Montana, and will hopefully give you an idea of what I encountered & gleaned from my time away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me." (Psalm 139:5)

I recently returned from a journey that made quite an impact upon me. It was a journey in more ways than one; physically, it was 850 miles each way, and emotionally & spiritually it was also an adventure. When I first saw the invite to this Writers' Retreat, I was instantly intrigued and it was not long before I knew I must attend. Despite having a strong sense that I was supposed to go, I had many reservations & reasons to be anxious about going. It was way out of my comfort zone and not something I would normally do. First, there was the long drive: am I capable of making such a long trip alone, safely & how will it be, as I have never done it before? Second, in spite of my extroverted nature, I am usually shy, so going somewhere I've never been and doing so knowing no one else was certainly uncomfortable. Then there was the writing portion: could I really write for 6-8 hours a day, and then share what I'd written with these strangers? And yet I knew that this experience was made for me, and therefore made plans to attend regardless of my concerns. I knew God would bless me for my obedience, whatever shape these blessings took.

Before I even began my journey, I received signs & signals that this trip was in some ways, providence. There was the invitation itself - it was not given directly to me, rather I saw on Facebook that a friend had replied to the invite and so I explored the link. And on the day before I left home, as I sat at a stop light, the car in front of me had a Montana license plate cover; a small tidbit, but one I took to be meaningful just the same. As I began my drive east toward Montana at 2am, I hoped & prayed I could do this. Even a couple of hours into the journey, doubts plagued my mind and emotions. Then the first of several more occurrences began, which I felt were truly signs from God. The moon, just a thumbnail-shaped sliver, was low in the eastern sky, clear and leading me onward. Later, as I crested the hill into the Tri-Cities, the sun began to rise over the horizon; the tones of orange in the sky were a concrete reminder of God's abiding love for me. It was as if He was drawing me onward toward my destination, and I gained a renewed sense of energy & purpose as I drove. There was also the first red-tailed hawk of the morning, watching over me from a lamp post as I passed by (God has been using hawks to signal His presence to me for awhile); I felt a clear sense of protection over my trip.

Once in Montana, I was struck by the beauty of the landscape; the mountains, countryside and clear skies helped distract me from the length of the journey. At some point, I caught glimpse of a sign along the road that said "Clark Fork." I gave it little thought, except to assume it was the name for that fork of the river, and continued on. However, the further I got, the more that I noticed these signs, all saying "Clark Fork," and it struck me as a bit odd. Finally, after seeing no less than a dozen of these signs, I said aloud to myself (and ultimately God), "Ok, I see now. It's for me," to which God replied, "Of course it is." Then I noticed how beautiful the area around these signs was, and knew He was thinking, "Finally, you noticed" and rolling His eyes in amusement.

When I finally reached my destination, I was exhausted but also victorious. Now the second half of my journey would begin, and I would see what God really had in store for me & my writing here. I had hoped to get time to begin writing that day, but my arrival was later than I had anticipated; I simply began preparing for the days to come. The spiritual atmosphere was clear & palpable, which was reassuring and aided by Pam's deep intercession. It was easy to be inspired in this place, and I found there were several quiet nooks to be alone & let the Holy Spirit guide my pen. I had a couple of writing goals in mind for the weekend; most importantly, I wanted to be open to the Spirit's leading, and if I ended up simply worshiping and encountering God, that would be more than enough for me.

Ultimately, the weekend was surely a time of just that: encounters with God. He met me when & how I needed Him; sometimes through the flutter of the butterflies or the sound of the raging river, others by inspiring a piece I can be proud of, and still others through the prayers of a new-found friend. In the end, I saw the box I had put myself into as a writer, and realized I could & wanted to break free. I would stop labeling myself in certain ways, saying I do not, cannot or am not; instead I would allow God to move in and through me however He wants to. I do not know what that looks like, especially in regards to my writing, but it is most definitely a gift of true freedom.

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." (2 Corinthians 3:17)

6/21/2012

Essence

Fall upon me,
With fire & power;
Fill me wholly,
In this place, in this hour.
For the freedom that you bring
Is unlike any other;
Your praises will I ever sing,
To my God who is also my Lover.
I need you within me
To survive another day;
Your endless grace & mercy
Surround me, I pray.
For without your abiding presence
I am absolutely nothing;
I long to feel your essence
Flow through me like a spring.

6/17/2012

Beloved

I belong to my Beloved
And His desire is for me;
In a love song meant for no other,
He serenades this heart passionately.
He goes before & walks alongside
As this life tarries onward,
My authentic self I need not hide
For He already knows I'm absurd.
I can share with Him all my worries & woes,
And stand in awe at His works;
Endless compassion He always shows
Even as He chuckles at my quirks.
He is my closest friend & biggest fan,
My first & greatest love;
Yet I still desire a human man,
So can someone give Him a shove?
Our relationship is not quite normal,
But I wouldn't have it any other way;
And even thought I am not often formal,
He is forever & always Yahweh.

6/16/2012

Unseen

When I feel unseen,
Ignored & passed over,
I hide away and dream,
Keeping my composure
So that none will see my tears
Falling in the night;
I hide my pain & fears,
Staying further out of sight.
Then a hand reaches down,
From my Savior above
Lifting my heart from the ground,
Wrapping me in love.
And I know that He sees me,
I am visible to Him;
He values me completely,
Holds my heart within.
So I am never truly alone
In spite of how it may feel;
Jesus' arms are ever my home
And His love is oh, so real.

5/6/2012

Sufficient

You are sufficient
Because you are the ultimate
Example of a man,
And with you I can
Be joyful & fulfilled
Because that is your will
For all of my days;
And I will give you praise
Because of all you are
Always near & never far,
Within me and without;
I have no doubt
That you are enough
Even when things are tough
To cope with & bear;
You have always been there
To comfort & protect,
Teach and correct
Me, the one you love
And I am sure of
Your faithfulness to me;
It's all I'll ever need.

4/26/2012

Doors

I will open my heart to you;
Every door to every room.
I have kept them closed,
So I am not exposed;
Yet you long to explore
What is behind each door.
And so I swing them open wide,
Nothing will I hide
From your loving face
And your overwhelming grace.
For when I am transparent,
Your love creates more than a dent
In the armor I often wear,
Gives you a chance to repair
My scrapes and fractures;
It is all of me you capture
When I hold nothing back
And allow you to unpack
Who I am created to be,
So I can live in complete authenticity.

5/6/2012

Fine

No one ever sees
The pain inside of me.
I cover my feelings,
Even when I'm reeling
From all this life brings.
But deep within my core,
I can never ignore
These nagging thoughts
That plague.
I must always be strong,
No room have I to long
Or break down in tears.
From others I hide
What lies inside,
And in secret I weep.
For in reality, I am not "just fine;"
My heart is brekaing
A moment at a time.

11/5/2011

Rearranged

I lay my heart down,
At your feet I fall;
In your love I will drown,
When I hear your voice call.
Your throne room is holy,
It is the most intimate place;
I will be near to you only,
Let me gaze upon your face.
When I am this close to you
I cannot help but be changed,
You always speak what is true,
My walls you have rearranged.
So I will give you my everything,
All that I have is yours;
My spirit and soul I bring,
In return my life you'll restore.

1/29/2012

Handprint

The wonder of your creation,
Displaying your imagination,
Calls out to the heart of me;
I love to dwell in your majesty.
It takes my breath away
Watching nature dance & play;
Your handprint is everywhere,
The beauty nearly too hard to bear.
So I take it all in,
Let every detail penetrate my skin;
And wrap myself in the glory
Of this world created for me.

4/25/2012

Ablaze

Not enough words have I
To tell of your matchless ways;
My Helper & Adonai,
I'll praise you all my days.
My spirit rises & dances before
The glorious throne
Of my Friend my Lord.
My heart cries out to you my Lover,
More is ever my desire;
The depths of me you uncover,
Set me ablaze with holy fire.
You are my Creator & King,
Yet you stepped off your throne;
Salvation & life you bring
So I will worship you alone.
And I will attempt to capture in words
How much love I have for you,
Until all I encounter have heard
That your love and grace are true.

3/19/2012

Until

You know who I am,
You guide me every day;
I know you have a perfect plan
And will reveal it in your way.
Until that time comes,
I will try to be patient
And not run away from
My current location.
In these moments that I
Feel stuck or afraid,
All I can do is rely
On He who is never delayed.
My faith will hold strong,
My hope is ever firm
Even though the wait seems long,
And my heart continues to yearn.
Your heart is always for me,
You know my deepest desire;
In the meantime it is you I will seek
Not believing whispers of the liar.
I can only allow the Lover of my soul
To mold me during this time;
Complete the work and make me whole
So I am ready for the one who is mine.

4/25/2012

Press

You say that now is my time,
To walk in your blessings,
And I declare that I am pressing
Into the promises you have made;
My hope in you will not fade.
So I will cry out for my deepest desire;
No more of me do you require
Than to embrace my power & authority
For I know the plans you have for me.
They arrive in your appointed season,
Often beyond my understanding or reason;
Yet never late or incomplete,
So I lay my motives down at your feet.
And when you call on me to act,
You remind me I never lack
The strength and ability
To claim the promises spoken over me.

3/22/2012

Shelter

I run into your arms
When all seems lost,
You keep me from harm,
No matter how great the cost.
And when the storm has passed,
And debris is ever scattered,
You are always steadfast,
For I am the one who mattered.
So even when no storm is raging,
I will shelter myself in you;
Because you are here always waiting
And your love for me is true.

4/22/2012

Ominous

Ominous black clouds
Roll across the sky;
Rain on the roof pounds
As wind blows leaves awry.
Then just as swiftly,
The sun's rays break through,
Earth's features seen crisply
For all feels fresh & new.
And on the distant horizon
A rainbow appears in light,
All creation awake & enlivened
As birds resume their flight.
So when the clouds return and darken
The skies above yet another day,
Let us not feel gloomy & disheartened,
For we know they will never stay.

4/5/2012

Almighty

With one word you command
The wind & waves to be still,
You are Commander, Creator and
The One who seeks me until.
Then I turn toward your face,
You look on me with wonder,
Your heart full of grace,
With one glance your spell I'm under.
My life is forever altered
By just that one glance;
With you my heart cannot falter,
As we begin our great romance.
And still you are almighty
Even as you call me beloved;
You are the God of land and sea
As well as He who descended.

4/22/2012

Watching

Before I ever looked up,
You were watching me;
For love you bore my cup,
Through your death I am set free.
No more guilt, done away with shame
Your blood was shed to save;
It was your pleasure to take all my blame
Breaking the power of the grave.
Such joy can I have in your suffering
Because I know the story's end;
Grace & mercy your risen body brings,
The hearts of the broken you will mend.
I'm alive because you saw inside
My lonely and desperate heart;
You welcome me in with arms open wide,
Offering me a brand new start.

4/6/2012

Triumph

You arrived in triumphant refrain,
"Hosanna, Hosanna," God save!
And when you come, the whole earth shakes;
I am set free, my chains your love breaks.
With rejoicing and loud shouts of praise,
Our hearts and hopes you will ever raise;
For you entered those city gates
And rode toward your chosen fate,
Becoming our awaited Messiah,
Rising again to walk beside us.
Hosanna you are & will always be,
Walking this earth to save a sinner such as me;
And I know I am the one you love & adore,
It was my life you came to restore.

4/1/2012

Broken

You were broken
So I could be made whole;
My heart is ever open
To the blood that cleanses my soul.
Fill me up with your saving power,
That I may give it away;
This is the time, now is the hour
Bring your deliverance, I pray.
The pain that you suffered
So that I would be healed,
You willingly offered
Then your Spirit revealed.
More gifts now abound
For all to recieve,
Through the cross they are found
When at first I believed.

3/22/2012

Sink

As I fix my eyes upon you,
I sink deeper into
The well of your love & promise;
A place of surrender and bliss
Where you reveal my destiny.
And in the depths all I can see
Is your heart poured out,
Leaving no room for doubt
That you long to be mine.
I see now that more is your design;
More of you within my heart & soul,
Because more of you makes me whole.
And so farther & deeper I will sink,
Until you have brought me to the brink
Of a passionate Lover's story
That conveys the power and glory
You have always shown;
For your heart is my only home.